Love Expert
by kaiserklee
Summary: "You're a love expert, right?" Anna asked Kristoff, bouncing on her heels, rocking back and forth. "I need you to help me woo Elsa." (In which Anna and Kristoff try out every drama cliche to court an incredibly oblivious Snow Queen.) Drabbles, Crack!Fic, OOC, Elsanna.
1. Love Expert

**a/n: **Let me just apologize for how stupid this is. Well, like the summary said, this is absolutely crackfic, so please expect some (a lot of) OOC behavior. Also another warning, Elsanna incest. Will be drabble format, with short, maybe sporadic updates as I write Tempest, my ongoing. All right, I've said enough. Hope you enjoy this! Please don't judge me?

* * *

**Love Expert**

Let it be said that Kristoff Bjorgman had seen and done many things during the course of his rugged lifestyle. He had been raised by trolls who seemed devilishly keen on making his life as awkward as trollishly possible. He had escaped roaring avalanches by the skin of his teeth. He had staved off entire packs of wolves with his trusty lute, held back the stampede of a maddened herd of reindeer. He had braved through the harshest of terrain, climbed the tallest of mountains, conquered the strongest forces Mother Nature could throw at him, and all for the sake of harvesting beautiful ice of all varieties the world over. Hell, he had done all that with a winning smile on his strong-nosed face. Kristoff Bjorgman had even performed the risky maneuver of picking his nose and flicking it onto Bulda because she absolutely deserved it, and so he was really quite honestly a god amongst men.

Despite all that, Kristoff still found himself surprised by the antics of one Princess Anna of Arendelle.

Honestly, he should have known she was crazy from the first time he met her. He had literally _just _paid off that new sleigh _that morning_ before the girl hopped on, and then before he know it, the entire sleigh combusted into a wonderfully glorious show of pyrotechnics more than two hundred feet below, in some dark chasm from whence it did not come. The sleigh had died as it lived, a trustworthy companion of the best sort. The thought didn't do much to ease Kristoff's mercantilist heartbreak.

But, okay, so he was a good person deep, _deep_ down. It wasn't the promise of a new sleigh or anything that made him follow Anna, and then even crazier things happened. Talking snowmen, a palace of ice, even bigger, debatably fatter talking snowmen (this one grunted more than talked, really, and maybe its obesity made it so damn grumpy), another castle frozen in even more ice, and somehow at the end of it all, Kristoff really did come to care a lot about Anna.

It helped that he did get a new sleigh.

She never actually replaced everything in it, but he let it slide. That was a moment of true friendship.

"Kristooooooff! I need your help!" So after all that, when Anna bunched up the ends of her skirt and dashed over to him, a look of wild excitement on her face, Kristoff knew something was up and that the smart thing to do would probably be to bunch up _his _skirts (read: tie up his wonky-looking shoes) and sprint in the opposite direction. On the other hand, the whole social etiquette thing meant you had to help your friends when they needed it. Free of charge, so no more free sleighs.

Seeing as Kristoff couldn't come to a decision fast enough, Anna came to a braking halt right in front of him and the only thing he could do was accept his fate. "All right, what do you want this time?"

"You're a love expert, right?" Anna asked, bouncing on her heels, rocking back and forth. Before Kristoff could answer, she kept babbling in an increasingly high-pitched squeal, "Well, the trolls are anyway, so that makes you, like, half a love expert! I need your advice, pronto."

"You're gonna have to ask me a question first–"

"I need you to help me woo Elsa."

Kristoff's eyebrows shot up into his bangs, never to come down again after that seriously mind-bogglingly wrong statement. Amidst the raging libido that came with the implications (two sisters and one castle), all the moral and ethical issues (incest guilt never bothered Anna anyway, apparently), and the vague thought that maybe announcing that so loudly in the middle of a crowded marketplace wasn't the best idea, Kristoff had only one thing to say.

"That's still not a question."

"Just let the grammar problem go. Grammar's never bothered me anyway," Anna said, waving her hand around madly. "I am totally serious here, I need to woo Elsa and I need to woo her _now_. Right now."

Bad flashbacks. Last time Anna had used that line, his sleigh exploded. But then again, he had gotten a newer model out of the whole thing, so maybe it wasn't all bad, right?

"All right, I got you."

So it was that Kristoff signed on with the craziest of crazies one more time, and the improbable wooing of Elsa the Snow Queen began.


	2. 45 Degree Fall

**45 Degree Fall**

"Tell me, Gerda," Elsa said. "Does it seem like Anna has been clumsy as of late? More clumsy than usual, I mean."

Gerda paused from her grueling work of attending to the queen while she signed paperwork, taking a moment to wipe away a trail of drool that had unfortunately escaped as she slept with her eyes open.

"Oh, has she?" Gerda pinched her thigh hard to hold back a yawn. "W-Well, Princess Anna has always had her fair share of accidents, so I wouldn't be too surprised."

Elsa nodded. "That's true, but I can't help but feel that I'm missing something…

* * *

"Are you serious? You're sure this'll work?"

"I'm positive," Kristoff said, and though Anna didn't miss the distinction between being _positive_ and being _sure _(because Anna was a pretty positive person too, and most her schemes ended with exploding sleighs, and no, that wasn't a metaphor for fireworks and romance), she rolled with it.

Anna exhaled a long breath and peeked out from behind the corner where she and Kristoff now hid, the intersection between two corridors in Arendelle Castle, and immediately whipped her head back.

"Did you see anything?" Kristoff asked.

"Nope, too fast." Anna peered out again and, voila, Elsa was walking out from her office looking as beautiful as ever, even managing to make holding stacks of paper elegant like the regal queen she was. "All right, I see her!"

"Just remember to stick to the plan," Kristoff said, hands drawing really quite unnecessary diagrams in the air. "Run up, trip, and fall forty-five degrees into her waiting arms, then as you stare up into her eyes, you'll be sure to win her love."

"You better be right," Anna muttered. She ran in place for a quick warm-up, starting a countdown in her head. _One. _Keep your eye on the goal. _Two. _She was ready for this. She was born ready! _Three. _

Anna sprinted out, face set with utter determination, and as her pounding footsteps echoed off the corridor walls, Elsa looked up with only mild surprise at this latest antic from her younger sister. Kristoff looked on with bated breath as Anna approached, closer and closer to an increasingly puzzled Elsa, until she was only five steps away, four steps, three, two, one–

"Oh no, I'm falling!" Anna cried, spinning on her heel and dropping with the back of one hand pressed daintily to her forehead like a true lady. "Elsa, catch meeeee – _oomph_!"

Anna collapsed into a pile of snow when Elsa casually jerked an elbow out and, having expected a cushion quite a bit warmer and not anywhere as powdery, Anna emerged from the blanket of snow looking like some sort of abominable snowman. She spat out a mouthful of the stuff and shook herself clean, scowling up at Elsa.

"You were supposed to catch me," Anna said.

"I didn't have a hand free," Elsa said, apologetically raising the stack of paper in her hands. "I made sure the snow was nice and soft though." She set the paper down and knelt next to Anna, helping clean off some of the snow. Each touch sent a jolt up Anna's spine, especially when the queen very innocently brushed up against her neck and shoulders and then down, down, down…

"E-Err, thanks!" Flushed red, Anna bolted out of there again.

Elsa stared at her retreating form, little more than a blur of color zipping down the hallway and rounding the corner in record time. She sighed and shook her head in amusement. "What on earth has gotten into her?"

* * *

Over the next few days, Anna fell around Elsa at every possible opportunity, only to be thwarted every single time. While they were admiring the gardens, Anna tripped on an inconspicuous twig only for Elsa to be distracted by the gosling of all things, and so Anna ended up lying face-down in dirt. While they were building a snowman courtesy of Elsa's powers, Anna slipped on ice only for Elsa to send the snowman rocketing forward to catch her in its icy grip.

It only got worse from there.

Around the castle, Anna would pass by Elsa and trip on carpet, only for Kai to be conveniently passing along and steadying her just in time. She would fall off the stairs, only for Gerda to be hiding behind a suit of armor and jump out in front of Elsa to catch her instead. She would trip out in the stables when Elsa was getting ready for some horseback riding, only for Sven to jump out of his stall and block her with his impressively solid flank.

Eventually, Anna just had Kristoff launch her.

Grabbing Anna by the waist and revving up like an Olympic javelin thrower, Kristoff tossed Anna with all his strength towards the queen. In an instant she was flying through the air, sailing out like a cannonball aimed directly at Elsa. She hadn't really been expecting the terminal velocity Kristoff managed to throw at, so Anna released an involuntary scream, at the top of her lungs and as high-pitched as she could make it – probably shattering glass somewhere. Her body somersaulted twice in the air like some trapeze artist on a rope.

Then she hit.

_Yes!_

Elsa caught the airborne Anna in a marvelous example of a wide receiver in some sport known as football – popular in some of the more barbaric kingdoms they traded with – but the force sent her reeling back and Elsa tripped over an unfortunately bumpy piece of courtyard. With a small gasp of surprise she tumbled back, Anna still in her embrace, and so they ended up with Anna straddling the queen and their lips dangerously close.

From that close up, Anna could see every single one of Elsa's perfectly thick, curled eyelashes; the sharp blue of her eyes, so much like the ice she wielded effortlessly; the adorable freckles dusting the bridge of her nose; and the incredibly inviting lips. As Elsa's eyes widened dramatically, Anna dipped down.

"Hey, guys! Whatcha doing?" Olaf ambled over, waving happily, and Anna jumped off of Elsa like there had been a spring between them. Much more calmly, Elsa stood up and brushed off her dress.

"That's what I'm wondering," Elsa said, looking over at Anna with one eyebrow arched up. "How did you just fall out of the sky like that?"

"Uhh." Anna couldn't help looking back guiltily, but that tricky weasel Kristoff had already scampered at the first sign of danger. Tongue-tied, she turned back to Elsa, who looked even more bemused by her apparent lack of any viable explanation. "I was practicing…umm…"

Olaf, despite ruining her plan, actually bailed her out. "Oh, I know! You must have been practicing for a snowball fight! Yeah, I do that too. I just throw my butt!"

"Well," Elsa said, smiling, "Try not to throw your body around anymore, all right?"

Anna could only smile weakly and nod along.

* * *

**a/n: **I actually really like this concept of Anna intentionally tripping around Elsa to be caught. I might make this into a legitimate (non-crack) oneshot.


End file.
